I feel numb. I want to do something reckless. I want to makout with a stranger, take too many modalert tablets and give myself an anxiety attack, stop eating and sleeping, cut, stop talking to all my friends, scream, cry, hit my head against a wall, break a leg, anything. I want to do something reckless enough to hurt myself, something completely out of character. I want to feel something other than this numbness. I want to scream to the world that I’m not okay. I want to stop caring.
I want to hear someone tell me this pain will end. I need someone to tell me what I can do to make it end. I’m not asking for it to magically disappear. I’m willing to do anything. I’ve tried to start a routine, I tried gym, I tried eating healthy, I am reading motivational books, I’m going to therapy. What else do I need to do? What else can I do? Tell me and I’ll do it. Give me a solution.
I want to scream to the world, I want to scream at the world. If you’re going to throw me into a ditch, then at least throw me a rope. You want to make it harder? Fine I’ll make my own rope, but stop cutting it off every time I feel like I’ve made some progress. Where does this end? How long am I supposed to endure this pain and loneliness before I feel some relief. I want someone to punch me senseless. I want to punch myself senseless. I want to break everything I own. I want to do something so reckless that I won’t, for a second, think about my life.
For someone who is always looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, I almost don’t want to search anymore. I want to sit the fuck down, start a picnic in the dark with my basket full of knives.
How long has it been since I sat with with someone and enjoyed the silence? How long has it been since I’ve hung out with my friends and simply felt content? How long has it been since I talked to someone without trying too hard to continue the conversation? How long has it been since I felt like I connected with someone, belonged somewhere? Since I laughed till I could not breathe? Since I felt like I was genuinely being myself?
Sometimes I like to tell myself, all this is happening for a reason. All this pain you’re going through now, it is shaping you into this person you are meant to become. It is molding you into a person that will learn to love you, can accept love from others, is happy, is loved.
But what if I just have my head in the clouds? What if this is going to continue or worsen for the next 2 years, 5 years. What if I am not meant for happiness in this life? What if this is the sign that I should end everything? I’m starting to lose hope, and I’m starting to not care that I’m losing hope. Maybe I deserve this, maybe I am someone who doesn’t deserve love.
I feel stupid typing down that paragraph. How many times have I read something like that and thought there is no way I’ll reach that stage. Well, here I am now. Here I am, getting worse and reaching stages I never wanted to even get the sense of.
I’m sitting on the bathroom floor, typing furiously on my laptop because what else can I do? I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want read, I don’t want to go to my room, I don’t want to watch a movie. I want to feel something. I want to ask someone to make a cut on my skin. I’m too scared to do it, but I want to feel it. I want to feel the pain. Maybe if I reach all the stages, I’ll start healing. Stupid huh? Got a better idea? Something I still haven’t tried? Come at me.
I’m not wallowing myself in self-pity. I’m not thinking why is this happening to me. I’m thinking, how do I end this. How do I find my way out. How do I find someone who can help me. How do I destroy everything in my path. I want to rage, I wan to burn everything I walk past. I want a fire to build behind me with every step I take. I want the fire to the swallow me, I want to feel the heat against my skin. I want it to burn off my skin, my wounds, my thoughts.
I want to wake up naked, with a smile on my face, and with thoughts that aren’t mine.
Chaos of 20 Something 